Announcing My Campaign to be the 46th President of the United States

After yesterday's news that Andrew Yang is suspending his presidential campaign, I realized the only other person in this country I'd vote for to be president is myself. Therefore, I would like to use this blog post as an official notice of my decision to launch my campaign to become the 46th President of the United States.

By running our campaign on the following ideas and promises, I plan to bring peace, unity, and restore the American spirit to this country:

1. Universal Health Care Amazon Prime Membership

My first promise as president is to purchase one (1) Amazon Prime membership for the entire country to use (taxpayer funded, of course). It will be called Universal Amazon Prime Membership (also known as “Amazon Prime Membership For All”). Free 2-day shipping and returns. We’ll save so much money by consolidating our memberships, we’ll be able to afford to build another wall (maybe this one to keep the Canadians out) 

Email: President46@UnitedStates.gov

Password: CanadaSucks1776

2. Public Libraries will Supply Communities with Streaming Services

Believe it or not I haven’t been to a public library in about 12 years. But I do remember there were a few isles where you could check out books on tape or even DVDs. As President, I will take this a step further and supply our public libraries with memberships to popular streaming services such as Hulu and Netflix. Just be sure to log off when you’re finished.

3. Championship Sports Games Cannot Start Later Than 7:30 EST

Fuck the west coast. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer because your [EDITOR REDACTED] ass might not get out of work early enough to catch the start of the game. With your [EDITOR REDACTED] problems it's not like many of you have a job anyway. Get to work before 9am for once and maybe you'll beat traffic on the way home to cut your 90 minute commute down to 83 minutes.

Absolutely ridiculous that this year’s CFB championship ended at 12:15 EST when kickoff was 8:00. As much as I love football, I also love not having my boss up my ass asking why I have the conference room with no windows booked for the entire morning. As President I will pass legislation that requires all major sporting championship games to have tip off/puck drop/kick off/first pitch at or before 7:30 EST. Soccer is not included (i did say major sporting events)

4. The Day After The Super Bowl Will Be A National Holiday

The day after the Super Bowl is statistically the most unproductive day in America.* If I know King Jr like I think I do then he would have no problem moving MLK day to the day after the Super Bowl. This one is non-negotiable and I will use my executive powers if needed.

*citation needed