Guide to Defeating the Man Flu

I took my first sick day this week. It was awful. I woke up at 6:00, told my boss I couldn’t come to work, then rolled back into my comfy, warm bed until noon. My mom even made me lunch. How humiliating.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know women experience the common cold. But they’ll never know what it’s like to have “man flu”. Man flu is a scientifically provenphenomenon in which males experience more severe cold symptoms than females.

Women jump at the opportunity to criticize a man’s response to a cold, but honestly, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. The man flu simply a product of natural evolution. The human female used evolution to develop better defenses against the common cold as well as higher overall life expectancies. Yawn. The human male, on the other hand, used evolution to other advantages, such as higher tolerances to alcohol and prioritizing procreation over immunity.

Anyway,

Here’s my list of remedies that will help you conquer your cold and get back to your cube:

1. Cranberry/Orange Juice Mix

Let’s start with the obvious. Kick off your hooky sick day with enough vitamin C and antioxidants to kill a small mouse. Everybody and their mother knows that vitamin C can reduce the duration of a cold. Plus, if you drink enough cranberry juice, you can turn your pee red which is a pretty cool party trick. I don’t really know what antioxidants are but if they’re good enough to attract the moms at the local grocery store then they’re good enough for me.

I won't be the one to tell you to add vodka to this remedy. But it's Wednesday and you're home from work, do whatever you want.

2. Zinc

Popping some zinc within 24 hours of feeling a cold come in shorten your cold by an entire day. But, more importantly, taking zinc can raise your levels of total and free testosterone and lead to increased libido. 

Fellas let’s be honest, there isn’t much else to do when you’re sitting in bed sweating out your man flu. Might as well be prepared to [EDITOR REDACTED] as much as possible

3. Dirt

This one is more of a preventative supplement, but it’s never to late to start being proactive. The hygiene hypothesis says that exposing yourself to dirt can spur the development of a healthy immune system. If kids’ immune systems can benefit from playing in the dirt, then so can adults. When I’m sick, I add a scoop of dirt to my protein shake (need to replenish protein after all that zinc). To really be proactive and preventative, I recommend eating some of the local dirt of whatever area you’ll be travelling to soon. It’s like getting a vaccination without the angry facebook moms.

Prepare your body for an Irish excursion with a scoop full of Original Irish Dirt (may include GMOs)

4. Magnesium

I recommend taking magnesium at night whether you’re sick or not. It helps your muscles become calm and relaxed and also helps you achieve deep and restful sleep. When you’re healthy, taking magnesium before bed will have you ready to run through a brick wall in the morning. When you’re sick, taking magnesium with your NyQuil will have you passed out in minutes.