The Definitive Guide to saying "no" when your coworker asks to hang out

We all have that one coworker who is always asking to hang out after work. Typically, he’s a younger guy, clean cut, good-looking, actually really funny; but for whatever reason he spends half of his working hours trying to befriend you. You already spend 8 hours a day dealing with this guy’s crap at work. Why would you want to spend even more time with him during your precious time off?

The problem is, it’s hard to say no. You don’t want to hurt your coworker's feelings (because then you risk him no longer doing your job along with his job), But you need to set a clear boundary, a boundary that begins at 5:01 PM each and every work day.

Today’s blog is to teach YOU techniques on how to say NO to your annoying coworker’s invitations. (Through numerous first-hand encounters, I’ve become an expert on this topic.)

Tip #1: Have a kid

Having a kid is hands down the most effective way to get out of evening activities with your coworker(s). It’s not the most cost-effective solution, but has the highest success rate of getting you out of Thursday Night Wings & Beers

 

Tip #2 Throw your kid a birthday party

 

This one is a bit trickier because it requires more precise timing, ideally on your kid’s actual birthday. But the odds are your coworker has no idea when your kid’s real birthday is, so you can use this tip at any time during the year with good success.

 

Tip #3: Have another kid

 

Again, not the most cost-effective solution. But it works.

 

Tip #4: Tear your Achilles

This one is tough because it puts you on the couch for several months. But if you’re stuck on the couch, it means you’re not stuck with your coworker.

 

Tip #5: Develop an addiction to triathlons

 

The easiest way to avoid 4-hour golf rounds is to sign up for a 5-hour triathlons. This one has the added bonus of consuming your entire free time for the months leading up to the race, so you will have plenty of chances to say “can’t hang out, I am training for my triathlon”

Tip #6: more injuries

Tip #7: Move states

This one only works if you are willing to quit your job and find a new job. But I have seen this one successfully pulled off, so don't count it out.

 

Tip #8: flee the states entirely

 

At this point you might be thinking to yourself, these tips and techniques are so unrealistic, there’s no way these excuses work. But believe it or not, these are proven methods that have been used in real life to avoid hanging out with your coworker.

You might also be thinking, "hey why are your texts the one in blue?" I never said I was the one saying no; I just said I had first hand experience

Announcing My Campaign to be the 46th President of the United States

After yesterday's news that Andrew Yang is suspending his presidential campaign, I realized the only other person in this country I'd vote for to be president is myself. Therefore, I would like to use this blog post as an official notice of my decision to launch my campaign to become the 46th President of the United States.

By running our campaign on the following ideas and promises, I plan to bring peace, unity, and restore the American spirit to this country:

1. Universal Health Care Amazon Prime Membership

My first promise as president is to purchase one (1) Amazon Prime membership for the entire country to use (taxpayer funded, of course). It will be called Universal Amazon Prime Membership (also known as “Amazon Prime Membership For All”). Free 2-day shipping and returns. We’ll save so much money by consolidating our memberships, we’ll be able to afford to build another wall (maybe this one to keep the Canadians out) 

Email: President46@UnitedStates.gov

Password: CanadaSucks1776

2. Public Libraries will Supply Communities with Streaming Services

Believe it or not I haven’t been to a public library in about 12 years. But I do remember there were a few isles where you could check out books on tape or even DVDs. As President, I will take this a step further and supply our public libraries with memberships to popular streaming services such as Hulu and Netflix. Just be sure to log off when you’re finished.

3. Championship Sports Games Cannot Start Later Than 7:30 EST

Fuck the west coast. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer because your [EDITOR REDACTED] ass might not get out of work early enough to catch the start of the game. With your [EDITOR REDACTED] problems it's not like many of you have a job anyway. Get to work before 9am for once and maybe you'll beat traffic on the way home to cut your 90 minute commute down to 83 minutes.

Absolutely ridiculous that this year’s CFB championship ended at 12:15 EST when kickoff was 8:00. As much as I love football, I also love not having my boss up my ass asking why I have the conference room with no windows booked for the entire morning. As President I will pass legislation that requires all major sporting championship games to have tip off/puck drop/kick off/first pitch at or before 7:30 EST. Soccer is not included (i did say major sporting events)

4. The Day After The Super Bowl Will Be A National Holiday

The day after the Super Bowl is statistically the most unproductive day in America.* If I know King Jr like I think I do then he would have no problem moving MLK day to the day after the Super Bowl. This one is non-negotiable and I will use my executive powers if needed.

*citation needed

Guide to Defeating the Man Flu

I took my first sick day this week. It was awful. I woke up at 6:00, told my boss I couldn’t come to work, then rolled back into my comfy, warm bed until noon. My mom even made me lunch. How humiliating.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know women experience the common cold. But they’ll never know what it’s like to have “man flu”. Man flu is a scientifically provenphenomenon in which males experience more severe cold symptoms than females.

Women jump at the opportunity to criticize a man’s response to a cold, but honestly, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. The man flu simply a product of natural evolution. The human female used evolution to develop better defenses against the common cold as well as higher overall life expectancies. Yawn. The human male, on the other hand, used evolution to other advantages, such as higher tolerances to alcohol and prioritizing procreation over immunity.

Anyway,

Here’s my list of remedies that will help you conquer your cold and get back to your cube:

1. Cranberry/Orange Juice Mix

Let’s start with the obvious. Kick off your hooky sick day with enough vitamin C and antioxidants to kill a small mouse. Everybody and their mother knows that vitamin C can reduce the duration of a cold. Plus, if you drink enough cranberry juice, you can turn your pee red which is a pretty cool party trick. I don’t really know what antioxidants are but if they’re good enough to attract the moms at the local grocery store then they’re good enough for me.

I won't be the one to tell you to add vodka to this remedy. But it's Wednesday and you're home from work, do whatever you want.

2. Zinc

Popping some zinc within 24 hours of feeling a cold come in shorten your cold by an entire day. But, more importantly, taking zinc can raise your levels of total and free testosterone and lead to increased libido. 

Fellas let’s be honest, there isn’t much else to do when you’re sitting in bed sweating out your man flu. Might as well be prepared to [EDITOR REDACTED] as much as possible

3. Dirt

This one is more of a preventative supplement, but it’s never to late to start being proactive. The hygiene hypothesis says that exposing yourself to dirt can spur the development of a healthy immune system. If kids’ immune systems can benefit from playing in the dirt, then so can adults. When I’m sick, I add a scoop of dirt to my protein shake (need to replenish protein after all that zinc). To really be proactive and preventative, I recommend eating some of the local dirt of whatever area you’ll be travelling to soon. It’s like getting a vaccination without the angry facebook moms.

Prepare your body for an Irish excursion with a scoop full of Original Irish Dirt (may include GMOs)

4. Magnesium

I recommend taking magnesium at night whether you’re sick or not. It helps your muscles become calm and relaxed and also helps you achieve deep and restful sleep. When you’re healthy, taking magnesium before bed will have you ready to run through a brick wall in the morning. When you’re sick, taking magnesium with your NyQuil will have you passed out in minutes.

Photograph of a llama