I
took my first sick day this week. It was awful. I woke up at 6:00, told my boss
I couldn’t come to work, then rolled back into my comfy, warm bed until noon.
My mom even made me lunch. How humiliating.
Now
don’t get me wrong, I know women experience the common cold. But they’ll
never know what it’s like to have “man flu”. Man flu is a scientifically provenphenomenon in which males experience more severe cold symptoms than females.
Women
jump at the opportunity to criticize a man’s response to a cold, but honestly,
it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. The man flu simply a product of natural
evolution. The human female used evolution to develop better defenses against the common cold as well as higher overall life expectancies. Yawn. The human male,
on the other hand, used evolution to other advantages, such as higher
tolerances to alcohol and prioritizing
procreation over immunity.
Anyway,
Here’s
my list of remedies that will help you conquer your cold and get back to your
cube:
1. Cranberry/Orange Juice Mix
Let’s start with the obvious. Kick off your hooky sick day with enough vitamin C and antioxidants to kill a small mouse. Everybody
and their mother knows that vitamin C can reduce
the duration of a cold. Plus, if you drink enough cranberry juice, you can turn
your pee red which is a pretty cool party trick. I don’t really know what
antioxidants are but if they’re good enough to attract the moms at the local grocery
store then they’re good enough for me.
I won't be the one to tell you to add vodka to this remedy. But it's Wednesday and you're home from work, do whatever you want.
2. Zinc
Popping some zinc within 24 hours
of feeling a cold come in shorten
your cold by an entire day. But, more importantly, taking zinc can raise your levels of total and
free testosterone and lead to increased libido.
Fellas let’s be honest, there
isn’t much else to do when you’re sitting in bed sweating out your man flu.
Might as well be prepared to [EDITOR REDACTED] as much as possible
3. Dirt
This one is more of a preventative supplement,
but it’s never to late to start being proactive. The hygiene hypothesis
says that exposing yourself to dirt can spur the development of a healthy
immune system. If kids’ immune systems can benefit from playing in
the dirt, then so can adults. When I’m sick, I add a scoop of dirt to my
protein shake (need to replenish protein after all that zinc). To really be proactive
and preventative, I recommend eating some of the local dirt of whatever area you’ll
be travelling to soon. It’s like getting a vaccination without the angry
facebook moms.
Prepare your body for an Irish excursion with a scoop full of Original Irish Dirt (may include GMOs)
4. Magnesium
